Have I mentioned I stink at keeping a journal??

I think I might have mentioned that!  Here I am another year later,  Gus is all ours and now we have a sweet little man named Kade Morgan that is well on his way to being a forever son to us.  Kade is 7 months old and a momma’s boy!  I take it while I can as soon he will be like the others and all about daddy.  I say that but my boys all want snuggle time with mom so I can’t complain too much.  We still have S, she has been here almost a year and a half.  They are doing super fast re-integration time right now.  Dad has a new girlfriend so he is trying hard to be super dad but I feel so sad for S being set up for disappointment all over again.

Somebody kick me in line so I am a better updater.  Don’t know who that would be other than me but I am going to try!

Wow, it’s summer.

I think I’ve said this before but I’m not sure where time goes.  I’ve been way lame on keeping this thing going but let me give it another shot.  School has been out for a whole week now.  I haven’t left my house since Sunday.  This is going to be a great summer.  Actually, all sarcasm aside I’m praying it will be.  We have good kids right now, life is pretty stable (I won’t jinx it and say smooth…) but it will be okay.  Logan and S are taking summer classes at our nighborhood school and they start next week and we also live just a block or so from the YMCA so we will be at the pool a lot. 

We finished our homestudy update this last week for Gus.  Everything takes so long to get through.  He’s been ours forever but I just can’t wait for it to be legal and for him to have our last name.  I’ve been in contact with his birthmom and she’s pregnant again.  I’m not sure what we are going to do if/when they ask us if we will take the new one.  I would do it without hesitation if Seth was a little eaiser but as he gets older it gets harder.  I feel guilty saying that but it’s true.  I figure I’ll worry about it when it happens but I’m pretty sure we will say yes.  Suck us right in they do.  Anyway, I’ve enjoyed getting to know his birthmom.  No matter her choices and even if it wasn’t her true choice she gave me my boy.  Someday he will wonder and I want to be able to give him as much information as I can. 

We got a laptop a month or so ago so hopefully I can keep my thoughts here better.  Until then, cheers!

Well I just stink,

So my sister miscarried and I feel terrible.  I feel like I took the hit for our family, geez.  Anyways, next week is Baby James Day and I was already depressed so this isn’t helping.  I’m planning on writing something special for him on his day, the 13th.

Sometimes I just hate my body.

We struggled for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant again after I had Logan.  We finally gave up and decided to adopt and Seth came with us almost a year later.  3 1/2 years we tried.  I took drugs, I was probed, We spent money we didn’t have.  My heart broke a million times it seemed.  Then Seth healed my heart. 

I always think how special each one of my children is to me for such different reasons.  Logan is my only bio child and that does make him special to me.  Seth came to me when I was in my darkest pit and so desperate for a little one.  He healed me.  Gus is my baby and the only one other that Logan that I’ve had since the start.  Anyway, I’ve given up on the path that I thought I would take and accepted that this is how our family was supposed to be created.  I love my boys more than life and even though I joke about not having a girl I wouldn’t trade them for all in the hair bows in Texas. 

This all sounds good until a close pregnancy announcement hits.  I’m going to be an Aunt again.  I’m happy, I really am.  It just takes me back to that bitter place that I’ve fought so hard to get away from.  I don’t want to be pregnant.  I don’t know what we would do if I got pregnant, it sure wouldn’t be good right now.  I do want the excitement for my kids though.  When we aquired kids it’s been a big WHOOP-DE-DOO.  Mike and Robyn got another kid, big deal.  No baby showers, no waiting for the big day, none of the things that as a mom I would like to have to welcome a much wanted, much waited for little one to our family.  With Gus we’ve had him since we was a week old but didn’t know if we would be able to keep him so no one really got excited.  Now that we know that he will stay everyone is used to him and it’s no big deal.  When I had Logan he was 3 weeks old before my family came to see him.  We were at the hospital alone.   I’m still hurt over that one.   I just know how everyone is with my sister (she was the baby until up-rooted by my brother when she was 8 so everyone still treats her as the baby b/c that is hard on a girl, ya know?)  No one in my family understands infertility and what it does to a person.  How even though I have 5 kids, I still am bitter and hate myself so much because of it sometimes.  It’s my fault you know. 

 Anyway, I was just trying to get my thoughts out there.  No one understands so I just have to talk to myself about it.  Oh yeah, I started my period the same day.  Thanks, cosmos.  I understood I’m damaged goods, you didn’t have to send that to remind me.

Thoughts on MLK day;

I’ve been thinking this year about Martin Luther King Day.  I’ve always thought he was a great man and had great respect for him but this year it really takes on new meaning for me.  Our youngest son, Gus is black.  Honestly, who cares in this day and age but it does seem to be a big deal to some people.  Pretty much the only time I notice is when we go to Walmart and even that not so much anymore.  He’s ours and we love him, who cares what color he is.  I just look at it like he has a different hair color and to us that’s it.  It’s also funny how our other kids never even notice that he looks different from us.  I’m so blessed to have my boys, they love each other so much no matter who’s tummy they came from.  Logan this year has been learning about MLK at school.  He just can’t understand how people can be separated by color.  I tried to tell him that in that time we wouldn’t have been able to adopt Gus and he said “that’s terrible!”  He is such as accepting little boy (big boy!), hopefully that is something we have done right having all these different people come through our lives.

Even with having this thinking, I also want to make sure Gus (and us all) know about Black History and the culture that I as a white momma (and white family) don’t really know about.  I want this for all my kids, not just Gus but I’ve been more motivated I guess to really research it since we have had him.  We have lots of friends of different races, colors but we also have the redneck friends who make the offhand comments that make my blood boil.  Sadly, we will have to be seperating ourselves from them soon.  I had hoped they would see that we are all the same but it doesn’t seem like that is happening.   I’ve been looking for books that have different looking people in them.  We’ve always loved Todd Parr, he has some awesome ones and also we have some dolls in all different colors also.  I have unreasonable panic attacks sometimes thinking about when Gus is older and if he marries a black woman.  What if he has no idea about the culture, the food, stuff like that.  Maybe I’m thinking too hard but it’s things you think of I guess.  I never want to intentionally give my kids anything less than my best so I want to educate us all in these different things. 

So next year I really want to participate in MLK day.  We live in a pretty large city, for Kansas anyway so there is always something happening that our family can go to and I’ll continue to look for ways for us all to grow and respect everyone in our community.

Misc. Thoughts by Robyn,

Well, I’m feeling rather Jack Handy-like this morning so thought I would write a meaningless post about things that only I care about.

****I’m really annoyed by the people who live across the street and 4 houses down from my son’s school and still drive their kids to school in their HUMMER.

****I took Gus to the doctor the other day (a new one, closer to our home) and was talking to him about how Gus’ circumcision wasn’t right.  The dr. said “oh, it’s okay it only needs separated” and proceeded to RIP this poor baby’s foreskin away from the tip.  Every time I change his diaper he cries and it breaks my heart.  I seriously hate peepee problems.  I’m not a crazy circumcision lady but gosh, just leave them alone.  I’ve had way more problems with Logan and Gus who are cut than I’ve ever had with Seth who isn’t.  Someday my boys will be oh so glad I shared this info.

****It snowed again last night.  Our family operates with only one car so I really hate getting this little kids out when it so cold.  Then I had to fight the oldest on wearing a coat to school.  NO, a hoodie does NOT count as a coat!!!

****My house is trashed.  I tried to get some help last night and it really wasn’t much help.  As my mother-in-law used to say, our house looks like one of those houses on Cops that they show.  And they let me have foster kids.  I have about 3 days worth of laundry to do.  I feel like I am juggling most of the time, I keep the balls in the air for a while but eventually drop them all and it ends up looking like this!  Then I get stressed and just don’t do anything because I can’t clean it the way I want to and it won’t stay that way anyway.  I know, I just have to do it and take babysteps.

****Seth is sick and the older one can’t understand why he gets to stay home and she can’t.  Uhm, well he’s 3 and school is not his job yet.  And you aren’t pooping your pants every 5 minutes and yacking at the same time.  Your runny nose isn’t staying home sick.  I love our new one but I get so tired of the comparisons.  I guess it’s just the age.  How cynical am I to have to start teaching the kids that life isn’t fair?

****I re-registered (just for 30 days) at the message board that started my message board career.  OHhhh Freddy, my how the mighty have fallen.  It was just a sad place with lots of people who needed to take a test before trying to have a baby.  The whole thing just took me back to that time of my life when I was so desperate for another baby and just let it consume my whole being.  I’m glad to be past that and to have my family and see that temps, and CM and all that junk doesn’t make a kid mine.  Sitting with him while he cries because he doesn’t understand why he is in a different place that made Seth mine and all those other fights we’ve had to go through to get him to where he is now.  I think I’ll always be a bitter infertile (or once-fertile) but the hurt is finally gone and that is good.

Well, I smell another diaper in my area so I guess Seth isn’t going to school again!  Hopefully he will take a nap today, I really love my quiet time!!

Gosh, where has the time gone?

These last few months have flown by in a wave of many kids, Christmas rush and stressful placements.  We had 2 girls (sibs) for about 10 months, they moved the end of October so that took us to having openings and waiting for another long term placement.  In November we had a total of 7 kids come through our lives and house.  I had an over medicated 6 year old who threw furniture at me, a 4 yr old escape artist who had been picked up by the cops 3 times and the sweet little girl who came to me with lice.  Add in a couple of police protective custody kids and it was busy!

This takes us to December when I took a 17 year old girl and her 2 year old daughter.  We only had the mom for a few weeks before we could see it wasn’t going to work with our family.  It always seems that when we have new kids they like to play the “you like your kids better than me” game.  That honestly isn’t the case, we treat all the kids the same but once they get that attitude then they start picking on my legal kids and then they get in trouble so to them it does seem like I like the boys better.  She was being terribly mean to Logan and making fun of Seth (he’s developmentally delayed) and that’s really our big thing that we can’t tolerate.  Add in the fact that I was taking care of her daughter anyway, I really didn’t feel the need to put up with her attitude.  Her workers decided to split them so we still have her daughter and the mom had moved on.  It really was one of the harder placements we’ve done though added in with holiday stress!

We also have a 10 year girl who I think will be with us long term and she’s pretty awesome.  I always enjoy this age plus the whole girl thing since it’s looking like it will be 3 boys for me.  She’s been sexually abused so she’s really leery of Michael but I think she is starting to warm up to him.  She and Logan get along really well which is really a load off of my mind.

 I often wonder how bad we are messing our kids up by doing this.  We have a new person around here often and I at times have to devote my whole attention to them.  These guys come scared and dirty and hungry and just wanting loved and I do that but at what cost to my own legal kids?  Logan is old enough that he doesn’t really care but Seth is such a handful right now.  I think I am just discouraged with his development right now anyway.  I want him to be able to talk and walk without throwing a fit or sit still just for a little while.  I’m tired of people asking me if I think he’s autistic or mentally retarded.  No, I don’t thankyouverymuch.  He’s so smart, he just can’t talk.  I know he will get there I guess we always want the road to be shorter than it is. 

I guess our big news is that we found out 2 days before Thanksgiving that we would be able to adopt Gus.  We’ve had him since he was a week old and we love him so much.  I really was so overwhelmed when they told me.  Honestly, I sobbed.  I was so prepared to have to give him up but I still loved him the way I would a baby that I had birthed.  I figure that they all deserve that, I’m a big person and can handle some hurt feelings but these little kids should know the love of a mom and dad.  We go to termination on Thursday and then start our home-study stuff which hopefully shouldn’t be that bad since we only have to update it.  I still really don’t believe it will happen, I don’t think I will until I see the Judge in his black robes! 

I’m going to try to be a better updater.  Happy New Year!

Halloween!

So Logan lived yesterday and I sent him to school today.  On the way home he was mad because he wasn’t finished learning yet today.  Once we got home he was fine and annoyed me much of the afternoon.  I’m making Buzz Lightyear gloves for his costume and then Seth is going to be Woody.  The baby is going as a hotdog, it’s so funny.

I guess I should say something about our family and the kids.  I magically got pregnant with Logan right before Michael and I got married.  I really never thought about ever having trouble getting pregnant, I mean I never knew anyone in real life who had.  I come from a town where all the girls got pregnant in high school! (FTR, I was 25 not in high school when I had my unplanned pregnancy!) So we had Logan, I had quite a few problems (GD, PIH, all the initials of stuff)  Then about 18 months later we started thinking about another one.  I went to a different doctor and was formally diagnosed with PCOS and told that there was pretty much no way I would ever TTC without help.  We started right away with an Evil RE and used Clomid.  And a ton of it.  Did nothing for me except almost make us divorce.  Fast forward a year, I have a lap and ovarian drilling and think that will be the magic potion.  Still nothing except wasted money.  Finally in the summer of ‘04 we are at this place selling CD’s to finance our life and the RE.  I was waiting in the car with Logan and I look next to us and it is our RE in his Mercedes.  The irony of the whole thing was crazy.  It wasn’t long after that (and a disastrous cycle) that we decided to be done and go towards adoption. 

 We started with the classes and then by the following May we had our Seth.  We adopted though the state so thought when we were ready to go again would foster to adopt since it would be “easier” than the transition we had with Seth from his foster home to us.  I think we are crazy, there is no way this is easier.  The last 10 months have been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.  I think we must have had the hardest situations ever.  Our first foster baby, James died.  Then everything we went through with the girls and their bio family.  So hard.  I just continue to hope that we are making a difference and that someday we might see some small fruit of all of this.

What a month…

So this last month has been a tough one.  Our foster girls who have been with us since last January moved this last friday to an adoptive home.  I’ve had lots of guilt because of us not being able to adopt them but it just wasn’t what would have been best for us or the boys.  We idealy want to adopt one more but I also want one more that I’ve had since they were a baby.  J (the 5 yr old) also possibly/probably had Fetal Alcholol Syndrome and with our Seth alreading being high needs we just didn’t think we could parent them both the way they deserved to be forever.  Okay, enough justifing things to myself…….

Anyway, I became the monster, evil foster mom in the last months as they had visits with the new parents who bought them everything under the sun then they came home to the poor house with all these kids and the nerve! Rules!  Add in their terrible social workers who perpetuated me being the bad guy and I wasn’t real popular anymore.  I was still so sad to have them go, I missed the fun stuff we did before when everyone just left us alone and let me do all the work.  I was also very relieved to just have this over and move on with kids who I felt I might be making a difference for. 

 So that’s what’s been happening around here.  I’ve been deep cleaning the house to prepare for the next new people hopefully coming soon.  Logan came home sick today from school but hopefully we will be all better for tomorrow.  I really don’t want him to miss his Halloween party at school.  That would stink. 

Yo Gabba Gabba

Really what trip were the people who thought of this show on?????