Sometimes I just hate my body.

We struggled for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant again after I had Logan.  We finally gave up and decided to adopt and Seth came with us almost a year later.  3 1/2 years we tried.  I took drugs, I was probed, We spent money we didn’t have.  My heart broke a million times it seemed.  Then Seth healed my heart. 

I always think how special each one of my children is to me for such different reasons.  Logan is my only bio child and that does make him special to me.  Seth came to me when I was in my darkest pit and so desperate for a little one.  He healed me.  Gus is my baby and the only one other that Logan that I’ve had since the start.  Anyway, I’ve given up on the path that I thought I would take and accepted that this is how our family was supposed to be created.  I love my boys more than life and even though I joke about not having a girl I wouldn’t trade them for all in the hair bows in Texas. 

This all sounds good until a close pregnancy announcement hits.  I’m going to be an Aunt again.  I’m happy, I really am.  It just takes me back to that bitter place that I’ve fought so hard to get away from.  I don’t want to be pregnant.  I don’t know what we would do if I got pregnant, it sure wouldn’t be good right now.  I do want the excitement for my kids though.  When we aquired kids it’s been a big WHOOP-DE-DOO.  Mike and Robyn got another kid, big deal.  No baby showers, no waiting for the big day, none of the things that as a mom I would like to have to welcome a much wanted, much waited for little one to our family.  With Gus we’ve had him since we was a week old but didn’t know if we would be able to keep him so no one really got excited.  Now that we know that he will stay everyone is used to him and it’s no big deal.  When I had Logan he was 3 weeks old before my family came to see him.  We were at the hospital alone.   I’m still hurt over that one.   I just know how everyone is with my sister (she was the baby until up-rooted by my brother when she was 8 so everyone still treats her as the baby b/c that is hard on a girl, ya know?)  No one in my family understands infertility and what it does to a person.  How even though I have 5 kids, I still am bitter and hate myself so much because of it sometimes.  It’s my fault you know. 

 Anyway, I was just trying to get my thoughts out there.  No one understands so I just have to talk to myself about it.  Oh yeah, I started my period the same day.  Thanks, cosmos.  I understood I’m damaged goods, you didn’t have to send that to remind me.

Thoughts on MLK day;

I’ve been thinking this year about Martin Luther King Day.  I’ve always thought he was a great man and had great respect for him but this year it really takes on new meaning for me.  Our youngest son, Gus is black.  Honestly, who cares in this day and age but it does seem to be a big deal to some people.  Pretty much the only time I notice is when we go to Walmart and even that not so much anymore.  He’s ours and we love him, who cares what color he is.  I just look at it like he has a different hair color and to us that’s it.  It’s also funny how our other kids never even notice that he looks different from us.  I’m so blessed to have my boys, they love each other so much no matter who’s tummy they came from.  Logan this year has been learning about MLK at school.  He just can’t understand how people can be separated by color.  I tried to tell him that in that time we wouldn’t have been able to adopt Gus and he said “that’s terrible!”  He is such as accepting little boy (big boy!), hopefully that is something we have done right having all these different people come through our lives.

Even with having this thinking, I also want to make sure Gus (and us all) know about Black History and the culture that I as a white momma (and white family) don’t really know about.  I want this for all my kids, not just Gus but I’ve been more motivated I guess to really research it since we have had him.  We have lots of friends of different races, colors but we also have the redneck friends who make the offhand comments that make my blood boil.  Sadly, we will have to be seperating ourselves from them soon.  I had hoped they would see that we are all the same but it doesn’t seem like that is happening.   I’ve been looking for books that have different looking people in them.  We’ve always loved Todd Parr, he has some awesome ones and also we have some dolls in all different colors also.  I have unreasonable panic attacks sometimes thinking about when Gus is older and if he marries a black woman.  What if he has no idea about the culture, the food, stuff like that.  Maybe I’m thinking too hard but it’s things you think of I guess.  I never want to intentionally give my kids anything less than my best so I want to educate us all in these different things. 

So next year I really want to participate in MLK day.  We live in a pretty large city, for Kansas anyway so there is always something happening that our family can go to and I’ll continue to look for ways for us all to grow and respect everyone in our community.

Misc. Thoughts by Robyn,

Well, I’m feeling rather Jack Handy-like this morning so thought I would write a meaningless post about things that only I care about.

****I’m really annoyed by the people who live across the street and 4 houses down from my son’s school and still drive their kids to school in their HUMMER.

****I took Gus to the doctor the other day (a new one, closer to our home) and was talking to him about how Gus’ circumcision wasn’t right.  The dr. said “oh, it’s okay it only needs separated” and proceeded to RIP this poor baby’s foreskin away from the tip.  Every time I change his diaper he cries and it breaks my heart.  I seriously hate peepee problems.  I’m not a crazy circumcision lady but gosh, just leave them alone.  I’ve had way more problems with Logan and Gus who are cut than I’ve ever had with Seth who isn’t.  Someday my boys will be oh so glad I shared this info.

****It snowed again last night.  Our family operates with only one car so I really hate getting this little kids out when it so cold.  Then I had to fight the oldest on wearing a coat to school.  NO, a hoodie does NOT count as a coat!!!

****My house is trashed.  I tried to get some help last night and it really wasn’t much help.  As my mother-in-law used to say, our house looks like one of those houses on Cops that they show.  And they let me have foster kids.  I have about 3 days worth of laundry to do.  I feel like I am juggling most of the time, I keep the balls in the air for a while but eventually drop them all and it ends up looking like this!  Then I get stressed and just don’t do anything because I can’t clean it the way I want to and it won’t stay that way anyway.  I know, I just have to do it and take babysteps.

****Seth is sick and the older one can’t understand why he gets to stay home and she can’t.  Uhm, well he’s 3 and school is not his job yet.  And you aren’t pooping your pants every 5 minutes and yacking at the same time.  Your runny nose isn’t staying home sick.  I love our new one but I get so tired of the comparisons.  I guess it’s just the age.  How cynical am I to have to start teaching the kids that life isn’t fair?

****I re-registered (just for 30 days) at the message board that started my message board career.  OHhhh Freddy, my how the mighty have fallen.  It was just a sad place with lots of people who needed to take a test before trying to have a baby.  The whole thing just took me back to that time of my life when I was so desperate for another baby and just let it consume my whole being.  I’m glad to be past that and to have my family and see that temps, and CM and all that junk doesn’t make a kid mine.  Sitting with him while he cries because he doesn’t understand why he is in a different place that made Seth mine and all those other fights we’ve had to go through to get him to where he is now.  I think I’ll always be a bitter infertile (or once-fertile) but the hurt is finally gone and that is good.

Well, I smell another diaper in my area so I guess Seth isn’t going to school again!  Hopefully he will take a nap today, I really love my quiet time!!

Gosh, where has the time gone?

These last few months have flown by in a wave of many kids, Christmas rush and stressful placements.  We had 2 girls (sibs) for about 10 months, they moved the end of October so that took us to having openings and waiting for another long term placement.  In November we had a total of 7 kids come through our lives and house.  I had an over medicated 6 year old who threw furniture at me, a 4 yr old escape artist who had been picked up by the cops 3 times and the sweet little girl who came to me with lice.  Add in a couple of police protective custody kids and it was busy!

This takes us to December when I took a 17 year old girl and her 2 year old daughter.  We only had the mom for a few weeks before we could see it wasn’t going to work with our family.  It always seems that when we have new kids they like to play the “you like your kids better than me” game.  That honestly isn’t the case, we treat all the kids the same but once they get that attitude then they start picking on my legal kids and then they get in trouble so to them it does seem like I like the boys better.  She was being terribly mean to Logan and making fun of Seth (he’s developmentally delayed) and that’s really our big thing that we can’t tolerate.  Add in the fact that I was taking care of her daughter anyway, I really didn’t feel the need to put up with her attitude.  Her workers decided to split them so we still have her daughter and the mom had moved on.  It really was one of the harder placements we’ve done though added in with holiday stress!

We also have a 10 year girl who I think will be with us long term and she’s pretty awesome.  I always enjoy this age plus the whole girl thing since it’s looking like it will be 3 boys for me.  She’s been sexually abused so she’s really leery of Michael but I think she is starting to warm up to him.  She and Logan get along really well which is really a load off of my mind.

 I often wonder how bad we are messing our kids up by doing this.  We have a new person around here often and I at times have to devote my whole attention to them.  These guys come scared and dirty and hungry and just wanting loved and I do that but at what cost to my own legal kids?  Logan is old enough that he doesn’t really care but Seth is such a handful right now.  I think I am just discouraged with his development right now anyway.  I want him to be able to talk and walk without throwing a fit or sit still just for a little while.  I’m tired of people asking me if I think he’s autistic or mentally retarded.  No, I don’t thankyouverymuch.  He’s so smart, he just can’t talk.  I know he will get there I guess we always want the road to be shorter than it is. 

I guess our big news is that we found out 2 days before Thanksgiving that we would be able to adopt Gus.  We’ve had him since he was a week old and we love him so much.  I really was so overwhelmed when they told me.  Honestly, I sobbed.  I was so prepared to have to give him up but I still loved him the way I would a baby that I had birthed.  I figure that they all deserve that, I’m a big person and can handle some hurt feelings but these little kids should know the love of a mom and dad.  We go to termination on Thursday and then start our home-study stuff which hopefully shouldn’t be that bad since we only have to update it.  I still really don’t believe it will happen, I don’t think I will until I see the Judge in his black robes! 

I’m going to try to be a better updater.  Happy New Year!