Sometimes I just hate my body.

We struggled for 2 1/2 years to get pregnant again after I had Logan.  We finally gave up and decided to adopt and Seth came with us almost a year later.  3 1/2 years we tried.  I took drugs, I was probed, We spent money we didn’t have.  My heart broke a million times it seemed.  Then Seth healed my heart. 

I always think how special each one of my children is to me for such different reasons.  Logan is my only bio child and that does make him special to me.  Seth came to me when I was in my darkest pit and so desperate for a little one.  He healed me.  Gus is my baby and the only one other that Logan that I’ve had since the start.  Anyway, I’ve given up on the path that I thought I would take and accepted that this is how our family was supposed to be created.  I love my boys more than life and even though I joke about not having a girl I wouldn’t trade them for all in the hair bows in Texas. 

This all sounds good until a close pregnancy announcement hits.  I’m going to be an Aunt again.  I’m happy, I really am.  It just takes me back to that bitter place that I’ve fought so hard to get away from.  I don’t want to be pregnant.  I don’t know what we would do if I got pregnant, it sure wouldn’t be good right now.  I do want the excitement for my kids though.  When we aquired kids it’s been a big WHOOP-DE-DOO.  Mike and Robyn got another kid, big deal.  No baby showers, no waiting for the big day, none of the things that as a mom I would like to have to welcome a much wanted, much waited for little one to our family.  With Gus we’ve had him since we was a week old but didn’t know if we would be able to keep him so no one really got excited.  Now that we know that he will stay everyone is used to him and it’s no big deal.  When I had Logan he was 3 weeks old before my family came to see him.  We were at the hospital alone.   I’m still hurt over that one.   I just know how everyone is with my sister (she was the baby until up-rooted by my brother when she was 8 so everyone still treats her as the baby b/c that is hard on a girl, ya know?)  No one in my family understands infertility and what it does to a person.  How even though I have 5 kids, I still am bitter and hate myself so much because of it sometimes.  It’s my fault you know. 

 Anyway, I was just trying to get my thoughts out there.  No one understands so I just have to talk to myself about it.  Oh yeah, I started my period the same day.  Thanks, cosmos.  I understood I’m damaged goods, you didn’t have to send that to remind me.